What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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