I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
