I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
