At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
We were destined to go to rehab together
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
