You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize