his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
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