Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
