I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
