Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
the day after is always just damage control
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
