I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
