I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
