life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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