You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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