it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
