Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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