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You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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