Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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