3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
