I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Is it penis luge time yet?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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