last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
