Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
