I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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