roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
