Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
