a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
You were trust falling into bushes
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
