Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
