I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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