Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
