the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
