Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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