There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Randomize
