I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
