Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Randomize
