Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
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