I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
