Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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