Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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