I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
