im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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