he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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