I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
