just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
