Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
