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Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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