In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Randomize
