Jerry, you need to find god
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
