I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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