How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Randomize
