If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Randomize
