I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
