i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
