if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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