Whatcha textin bout Willis?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
