I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
