When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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