ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
